“Living with job burnout has radicalized how I think about work, ambition, and grind culture.“
Each morning for the past three months, I have awoken to a smothering fog of disbelief and dread about work. Disbelief that I went to school for nearly 25 years to qualify for such a life sucking job. Dread that I’m slated to drag my protesting body to do said job each weekday for the foreseeable future (since none of my degrees were free).
I have lived with depression for decades, which is how I know I am not just depressed. My depression can build for weeks. But eventually the clouds break.
Job burnout, as I have learned to call it, lingers. My therapist says the more energy I expend, the thicker it will get. Until I choose to rest or am slowly constrained by exhaustion.
I have spent the last two years focused on recovery from severe burnout. And it has transformed nearly everything I thought I knew about myself and the world around me.
This post is all about how job burnout changed my views on work.
MY JOB BURNOUT STARTED IN CHILDHOOD
The story of my relationship with work begins in the rustbelt city where I grew up.
My Black, middle-class family almost always had enough money to cover our basic needs. But my parents wanted more for my three siblings and me, so they stretched time and resources tight to invest in their vision.
Private schools. Activities. 10-year plans leading to flourishing careers. My parents fought for access to anything that might maximize our chances of having financial security and unlimited choices.
This approach made achievement second nature. I now realize that I also began to internalize a crippling fear of failure and a desire for control. I was terrified of taking (or not taking) any action that could leave me stuck in a city, career, or financial situation with limited options. And I started to sacrifice my present comfort for future autonomy and freedom.
Naturally, I dove head first into grind culture. In college, I spent weekends in the library instead of going out with friends. As a new professional, I canceled dinner plans to spend late nights at work. I got enough sleep to function but not thrive. And I habitually said “yes” because I was afraid to say “no.”
I was 30-years-old when my body started shutting down. For a long time, I blamed my stress levels and diet. I didn’t realize the signs of job burnout until I could no longer just “push through.” For the first time in my life, I struggled to function and see the meaning in the life I had created for myself.
4 WAYS JOB BURNOUT RADICALIZED MY VIEWS ON WORK
Living with job burnout has radicalized how I think about ambition and grind culture.
Here’s a few things I’ve learned while trying to figure out how to recover from burnout:
1. I realized my addiction to ambition was a trauma response.
Before I burnt out, I was addicted to ambition. Achieving big goals made me feel like I was doing the “right” thing. I got tons of awards and approval. And I’m a sucker for external validation.
Meeting goals also made me feel like I was in control of my future security. I worked twice as hard as many of my peers. I obsessed over avoiding the pitfalls my parents had warned me about. And my hard work earned me coveted opportunities and high-paying jobs.
But my first job burnout symptoms showed me that there would always be things I couldn’t control. Overworking had led to a level of debilitation that would take months of rest to even begin to address. My insistence on orchestrating my future left me powerless in the exact ways I had been trying to avoid.
2. I learned job burnout recovery starts with stricter boundaries.
For me, one of the biggest causes of burnout was not knowing and enforcing my boundaries. My body spent years sending me signals that I was not respecting its limits. I dealt with chronic GI issues and heightened anxiety long before my exhaustion became debilitating.
Yet, I continued to buy in to other people’s ideas of “hard work” and dedication. I routinely accepted more assignments than I could comfortably handle. And overtime work became a large part of my weekly schedule.
I have since learned that overcoming burnout starts with honoring my body and what I need to be my healthiest self. And I don’t always get it right. But now I know that if I want to feel well, I have to prioritize my personal tolerance for labor over others’ expectations.
RELATED: 10 Powerful Daily Affirmations to Help You Set Boundaries at Work
3. I started to understand how buying into grind culture benefits other people, not me.
When I was trying to figure out how to recover from burnout, I uncovered a lie I had believed my entire life: that my ambition would make me successful and keep me in control. Realistically, I broke down my body to make other people money in exchange for pennies on the dollar and a few worthless accolades.
I now know that this is the nature of capitalism. Even the water we need to live costs money. Employers make money by paying workers less than our work is worth. Societal norms like grind culture condition workers to play our part. The system wouldn’t survive without workers sacrificing our best interests to create profits for people who simply replace us when we get sick or worse.
4. I had to admit that I can’t do it all. And I was never meant to be able to.
When I started my career, I wanted to be “that girl” that did it all. For years, I tried and failed. I made and canceled plans, rarely got my necessary 8 hours of sleep, and spent hundreds on unused memberships to the yoga studio. The amount of groceries I wasted, thinking I would actually have energy to cook, is outrageous.
The truth is that we cannot do it all. A full workday plus commuting takes a huge chunk of time out of our waking hours. The 9-5 workday simply does not allow for the perfect career, family life, nutrition, fitness, friendships, and wellness routines.
And I believe this scarcity of time is by design. Exhausted workers have less time to analyze our situations and organize to maximize our collective power. The more we work and the more guilt we feel when we aren’t perfect in every area of our lives, the easier we are to control.
Job burnout recovery has helped me accept that I will never be the superwoman that I always wanted to be. And, honestly, I’m better off. I have learned to prioritize the most essential tasks for my wellbeing and self care.
And I am learning not to expend energy trying to do everything…or feel guilty when I inevitably can’t.
Restfully,
Done Grinding
This post was all about how job burnout changed my views on work, ambition, and grind culture.
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